The Cullen Chronicles
by llamoandllama
Summary: Many, many pointless oneshots about our favorite family. Mostly lists. Including smashing Edward's piano. BITE US, EDDIE!
1. 15 Things to Piss Off Edward Cullen

**15 Things to Piss Off Edward Cullen**

1. Take a sledgehammer to his precious piano.

2. Put him in a pink tutu and play Barbie Girl on loop until he cries and/or pukes.

3. Tell him Jacob Black was, is, and always will be hotter.

4. French kiss him.

5. "Accidentally" cut your hand so it bleeds a lot, and ask him to kiss it and make it better.

6. Tell him Bella was kissing Mike Newton behind a dumpster.

7. Ask him how many people he's bitten.

8. Take his car for a joyride, and then crash it into a truck full of nacho cheese.

9. T.P. his meadow.

10. Trick him into going out in the sun when a lot of people are around.

11. Call him Eddie.

12. ALL THE TIME.

13. Ask him if Dracula is his twin, and then create false proof when he denies it.

14. Give Zac Efron his picture, and then videotape horny Zac making out with it.

15. Kill Bella.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! I felt like writing another pointless comedy. Reviews are very lovely indeed, and I very much like getting them! wink wink nudge nudge**


	2. 15 Things to Piss Off Alice Cullen

**15 Things to Piss Off Alice Cullen**

1. Flush all her credit cards down the toilet.

2. Decide to pull MANY idiotic stunts so her visions are extremely screwed up.

3. Dye her hair gray with puke colored streaks.

4. Send her to an insane asylum with a notification that she is a "cuckoo head".

5. Paint her walls black.

6. Shave off her eyebrows.

7. Tell Jasper she cheated on him with Emmett.

8. Tell everyone in Forks that she was mentally ill.

9. Graffiti the interior of her Porsche.

10. Tell her Jacob kidnapped Bella.

11. Play the song Blood by My Chemical Romance on loop until she screams.

12. Ask her what she does at night instead of sleeping, and who with.

13. Steal all her shoes.

14. Tell her that every mall in the world has been bombed, and are never reopening.

15. Kill Jasper.

**A/N: Back by popular demand! To all of you wholoved the Edward Version, here is the start of the Cullen Chronicles. Oh, and I have joined an account with my friend, so all of our stories are joint-fics. This is Llama speaking, and my friend is Llamo. Enjoy the rest of the fics!**


	3. 15 Things to Piss Off Emmett Cullen

**15 Things to Piss Off Emmett Cullen**

1. Take away his weights.

2. Tell him you've seen anorexic people with more muscle than him.

3. Put him in a thong.

4. Take pictures.

5. Ask him who he dated before Rosalie… in front of Rosalie.

6. Program his TiVo to only show Barney, and then tell him his favorite show is on.

7. Tell Rosalie that Emmett is actually Henry, her old human friend's son.

8. Tell Bella not to do funny stuff while he's around.

9. Show him the radio that Bella ripped out of her car, and say she hated it.

10. Tell him you'd bet on an irritated grizzly any day.

11. Ask him why he smells like dog.

12. Poke his belly.

13. All the time.

14. Ask him if he likes ballet.

15. Kill Rosalie.

**A/N: Chapter 3 of the Cullen Chronicles! Blablabla... please review... even flames... you get the point. WE LOVE YOU ALL!**

**-Llama and Llamo**


	4. 15 Things to Piss Off Esme Cullen

1. Turn her living room into an exact replica of a CSI: Miami crime scene… and a bloody one at that.

2. Fork and T.P. both the front and backyards of her house.

3. Spike all the woodland animals with Jolt Energy Drink, so she is too hyper to sit still or clean for 3 days.

4. Buy her TNT for her birthday, and then suggest she blows up her TV.

5. Pay Emmett to blow up the TV.

6. Ask her if she's related to the Wicked Witch of the West.

7. Look at her bug-eyed until she screams.

8. Streak in her house.

9. Invite Cappie from Greek, and all his friends, to streak at her house.

10. Offer to buy her prized vacuum for $3.50.

11. Ask her if she played the evil lady in The Emperor's New Groove.

12. Taunt her with the evil Esme voice. (see above)

13. Steal her Swiffer.

14. Put her in eternal timeout.

15. Kill Carlisle.

**A/N: ESME!!! We hope y'all enjoyed it. Even if you thought it was dumb-ass, we hope you got at least a chuckle. A teensy weensy little chuckle? No? That's fine, too. throws Eddie at haters Pleasepleaseplease review, and i will be your bestest freind ever! And let you hug Llamo's bf Edward! blindfolds Llamo REVIEW!**

**-Llama the BESTEST, better than Llamo!!**


	5. 15 Things to Piss Off Bella Swan

1. Make Edward move to Pluto.

2. Send a letter to Guinness Book of World Records claiming she is the clumsiest person alive.

3. Bribe Guinness into letting her win.

4. Hold an extravagant party in her honor and invite the entire U.S. population.

5. Force her to sing karaoke at her party… to Oops I Did It Again…

6. Make Edward and Jacob have a massive sumo wrestling death match, complete with spandex suits and masks…

7. …And she is the prize.

8. Write a fanfic where she falls in love with Mike and Edward falls in love with Renee.

9. Send Charlie to Pluto to live with Edward.

10. Pay Jacob to hang her bra on the school flagpole.

11. Turn Mike into a vampire.

12. Steal her motorcycle.

13. Tell everyone she's an ex-felon, wanted in 7 states.

14. Make out with Edward on national television.

15. Kill Edward. Llamo and Llama hide in a bomb shelter

**A/N: There you have it! Bella Swan! This one was very fun to make. I hope you all love it as much as we do! And, don't worry, we would NEVER actually kill Eddie. Now, MIKE is another story... :D**

**-Llama**


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